I am a denier
Photo Credit: Henry & Co
I have built a wall to survive this year, but it is starting to crack.
This year, I’ve kept busy and determined behind a wall built with duty and hard work. For about 7 months these adaptations have kept me moving but, if I am being truthful, I have been in denial to avoid the deep, penetrating grief that we are all experiencing.
Two years ago I began to grieve losing specific “named” dreams. That season has lingered and now I am beginning worry about losing the ability to dream itself. Can dreams go underground, dormant, cryogenic? Does a dream-deferred create a rigidity that supports denial?
Dreams can become replaced with a sort-of-soul-insomnia that literally or figuratively keeps us up at night wondering what kind of world our precious children are inheriting. Rampant bigotry, misogyny, racism, homophobia, climate crisis, normalized gas lighting, and an utter disregard for the vulnerable/vulnerability has opened a Pandora’s box of deep existential energy.
Denial seems to have worked for a while, but Pandora is a demanding goddess.
The problem, as I see it, is denial becomes cellular. It invades our entire being and then creates deniers. Then, as deniers, we lose touch of what is actually being denied in order to preserve a homeostasis where our own personal brand of denial can survive. I am just so tired of it.
But what if the question really is … what are you afraid of? Could it be our own individual denied fear that is actually driving this madness, this hopelessness, this despair? Can we all be honest for a second and sit with our anxieties for a minute? I’ll go first!
I am afraid that I might start crying and not stop.
I am afraid that COVID will kill or severely hurt people that I love.
I am afraid that the denial we are entertaining will hijack our humanity.
I am afraid we won’t survive these days of deep revelatory truths.
I am afraid I am not strong enough for this.
Maybe this what waiting 400 years for a saviour felt like?
with love,
