Nice Lady
“Nice ladies are good at anticipating other people’s reaction..they are experts at protecting others from uncomfortable feelings.”
Photo Credit: Joanne Loewen
All my life I have been, a “nice lady” - reading the room, navigating emotions and social cues in an attempt to keep the peace and play nice. These skills fostered an early sense of self and an effusive personality anchored by charisma and enthusiasm. But there is a shadow side in each of us that wants a seat at the table too.
Let me explain…..
I grew up experiencing abuse. The kind that gets buried far into the recesses of the mind so a child can survive. These adverse experiences caused me to develop high functioning gifts, talents, and exemplary social traits that protected my psyche while I was searching for love, worth and a safe place to fit in.
But over the past few years, I have experienced significant tension as my inner world and my outer personality are adjusting. Cheryl Bridges Johns explains this in her book Seven Transforming Gifts of Menopause.
“Being a nice lady is a complex social skill requiring a great deal of intuitive energy. It is exhausting being a nice lady.”
In order to deeply accept the truths of my childhood I have had to interrupt the cycle of self-betrayal that occurs when I am people-pleasing and being a “nice lady.” These changes have not come without some tension, however. Some of the people, systems and communities that I have diligently served as a “nice lady” have started to adjust and even disappear.
When we no longer benefit from an individual’s self betrayal we have the choice to respond with grace or resistance depending on how high the cost of the change is for us. I have experienced both benevolent and and dismissive responses to my adjustments. I am not surprised by either reaction - not everyone is comfortable with the holy fires that truly change a person.
What I am left with is the revelation that I am the only one fit to carry the emotional truths and burdens that are individually mine to uncover and bear. Abuse would say, “you are the problem, you are the cause of the emotional instability, make it better, carry my shame.” But grace would say, “I only have the shoulders of the child I am learning to listen to and love.”
Are you a “nice lady?” I’d love to hear about your journey with this female archetype.
